Stress, vulnerability, and the promise that next year will be awesome

I'm not sure what to say, what explanation is really needed, what judgements and opinions to allow others to have. But I am sure that I'm just doing my best to make it through the day 5 minutes at a time, to tackle work in a limited amount today, to work through my emotions one excruciating conversation at a time, and to get to sleep even though I want the moments of silence and peace to linger and I'm not ready for the new set of problems I may face the next day. What happened? Our business is to the point where we need a full shop and 15 employees and yet Mike and I have been keeping up with it by ourselves. We hired a couple employees thinking it would help but ended up paying them instead of our bills for 2 months. I cope with stress by hiding and eating. Mike copes through excessive social interaction and distraction. So we have been very distant and vulnerable, so even though in most households it really isn't that big of a deal, we were shocked rather harshly into the reality of how far choices, distance, stress had really taken us from each other. Its hard to wrap my head around the gradual decline in our relationship and the aggressive attack life and circumstances we got ourselves into attempted to destroy us. In every way. I'm furious. I'm embarrassed. I'm relieved that during this time I was working on becoming a stronger person myself and surrounding myself with friends and things that make me feel whole. I'm hopeful that this is it. The lines of , if you do this you will lose me, have been drawn far closer. But that it really the deeper relationship we are seeking. To turn to each other and God and to not allow the pressure to build overtake us. To know that we can face anything and we are committed to doing everything to keep this from happening again. So I'm living in the promise of a healthier, stronger relationship, and we are taking baby steps toward it. And we may have some big changes in store for our business as we weigh our options.

Dreaming

On a recent shopping excursion to Sprouts I watched a young hipster couple meander through the aisles. Tiny shorts and tank top, handlebar mustache, snazzy hat, and the girl wearing a beautiful flowing dress, they had put thought and effort into their date to pick out their dinner. They lovingly fondled the vegetables, discussing what they would make, hugging each other after each decision. As older men bashed their carts into mine, moms yelled at their kids, and I tried to keep stay on task knowing any moment Autumn would text saying I need to pick her up immediately. When did our lives change so drastically? Mike and I used to spend our time working, sleeping, thrift store shopping and going to concerts. Even with a baby. It was so fun and freeing to live life the way we always dreamed it could be. But our lives are so cluttered now. There is less time, more demands. Less money, more expenses. And a different kind of freedom. I see it as a freedom to go back to the uncomplicated life. To not feel so trapped by what we have built for ourselves. By erasing some of the clutter, making the decisions to uncomplicate things, relax into the flow of life and then to dress up to go dreaming together.

Strike that, reverse it!

I was reading a blog today about how to wake up and go where the day takes you. I thought I was doing a good thing by scheduling myself to death. I was working hard and fast and finished a crazy amount of work just in time, enjoying social outings and even carving time out to recover. But after a break down yesterday, I don't even think that is the best way to handle life, because my calender seems to fill rather quickly.. I still make big mistakes like getting an important date wrong for a friend's concert I bought tickets to, and by saying yes to one favor which turns into another and another by someone taking advantage of me, which ends up with me driving 15 minutes to the post office in 110 degree heat to send someone something they now have gotten free. So I think I'm going to scrap that and start over. Saying no sometimes means saying yes to myself instead. I'm going to wake up when I am rested, accomplish a reasonable amount of work for the day, and see where the day takes me otherwise, by listening to what I really need.  Like right now, in a closed and darkened office in my pj's, feeling accomplished and just about ready for a swim.

Embracing Organization

My body shut down on me for the first time in my life. In the middle of a happy ukelele sing along my brain gave up and I crawled toward the couch to sleep. I am overwhelmed with the amount of activity summer brought us this year. While most the world is a flurry of happiness, charged up by social engagements, I tried to keep up. I tried to grab onto life and it threw me down. I'm now picking myself up to try again, only this time I have my calendar clutched in one hand, clearly defining time I am physically capable of smiles. Knowing that while it lasted, a fabulous time was had. And now counterbalanced with a few hours last night on the couch I am ready to enjoy "life" again.

Mother's Day

How does one celebrate a wife, a mother? Every year I insist I don't want flowers, diamonds, manicures, and the worst,  a $12 greeting card. But then every year, knowing this, the husband gets increasingly upset until he is mean to me on the special day.  Sad that he cannot dream to pay me back for all I do throughout the year. Frustrated that it isn't in him to create a loving sentiment that fits my criteria. Angry that the corporations make so much money on this day where we honor something that ought to be a natural part of life. It is a setup for disappointment, to be honest. For the person to whom it comes so naturally to be nurturing, loving, thoughtful and generous to rely on the more selfish natures to draw it up within themselves in some kind of grand gesture. Just saying "I love you" or "Thank you" or helping out with chores or a hug while doing dishes... all of these add up for me throughout the year. I do feel loved and appreciated, always. I don't need a special day except as an occasion to eat cake. My gift is the miracle itself of motherhood. Sharing my beautiful, intelligent, talented and amazing daughter with the world. And to my wonderful husband, I know you, I love you, and I am honored to spend every day with you. There is never a need to feel inadequate, because there is so much more to you than meets the eye. Just continue to call me home, that is all I will ever need. "Oh, what strange wonderful clocks women are. They nest in Time. They make the flesh that hold fast and binds eternity. They live inside the gift, know power, accept and need not mention it. Why speak of Time when you are Time, and shape the universal moments, as they pass, into warmth and action? How men envy and often hate these warm clocks, these wives, who know they will live forever. So what do we do? We men turn terribly mean, because we can't hold to the world, or ourselves, or anything..." (Something Wicked This Way Comes, Ray Bradbury. Beautiful book, BTW.)

Smile

On the verge of hyperventilating, I sat down at a table with my daughter's friend's family and said "I'm sorry, I get very overwhelmed at the awkwardness of social occasions". The mom was surprised, being that our daughters were being inducted into the National Thespian Society. We spent the rest of time smiling at each other, attempting small talk, and delighting in the entertainment of the madness surrounding us. Every child was dressed up, every entree was showcased in a decorated booth. I love events! I love the creativity, games, and fun and the interesting food. I helped create the award winning table "Panda" Asian Table and I'm going to have such fun collecting costumes for Autumn for the next few years. And I was so very proud of Autumn. She was asked to lead a troupe next year which will emphasize awareness, such as suicide prevention, harmful choices, and celebrating culture and people groups. She received a "will" from the graduating President, as an honor for her bubbly personality and a request to fill her shoes. Yet just a month ago she was depressed that she felt she had something to contribute to the world but did not understand what it was. She was tired from all her hard work and was giving up on friendships. Its amazing to me how the winter season so drastically changes and you realize all your potential, the friendships blossoming around you, and the spring of life and opportunities just around the corner. This week she had a friend hospitalized after attempting suicide and Mike's MINI buddy took his own life. You just feel so selfish, and self centered that you couldn't extend yourself, your life and happiness. That you were so tired and your well had run dry that you couldn't help someone hurting even worse. That you couldn't offer just enough hope to limp them around the corner. I pray that even in the dark seasons, the socially awkward times, and when it feels almost unnatural, that I will radiate hope and love. That I will find a peace in God that will extend to those I love just being around them. And that I will see more opportunities to be kind or helpful, or simply to smile.

Being Alone

Mike is such a loud personality and our business is pretty much our entire life. I love this about him, and it has meant a successful at home business. We are a great team and have quite alot to discuss at all times. We still find our own personal life and everything really does balance out quite well if I manage our calendar. But when he goes on events there is about a month where he is working 24/7 and I get lost in the madness. The first couple of years of MINI events I was excited to go as a family. Autumn was homeschooled and the trips were an educational adventure. Only I had forgotten Mike actually had to work harder than usual and it wasn't the family fun time I had envisioned, since I was the last thing on his mind. Even helping him and remaining focused on the job didn't make things better for either of us since he's so single minded, I was still forgotten. So I decided it would be best for him to just go, enjoy the time, and I would stay home. That was a difficult transition because I wanted the adventure, I was hurt he seriously ignores me when out in public, and I had issues being alone. The first few times he left I think I cried hysterically the entire time. He did a couple dumb things that when added to my deep insecurities increased my turmoil, and it was rather difficult for our marriage. But we worked through things and over time it has gotten so much easier. I know to leave the house once a day and stock up on movies for when the child ditches me as well. I also worked through my insecurites about being alone when I read "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. The book takes you through a journey into your subconscious where you experience whatever it is that you use eating or other distractions to keep yourself from feeling. I was able to feel the raw emotion of something from my childhood and found that grieving helped me heal and to rejoin life at the present time. I can honestly say something clicked in me that I no longer have to avoid being alone. I can now sit in bed in the darkness and feel at peace. This was the first event since my breakthrough and I didn't fall apart. I didn't cry at all, in fact. I was a normal human being, secure in myself, my family and my world, and it felt amazing. And while I missed my husband, I much more enjoyed anticipating his return and happily being together again when he can/could focus on me. I'm looking forward to the future when perhaps I can turn it into a personal retreat and rest in the peacefulness of an empty home. When I can indulge myself by enjoying who I am and my own interests and just truly enjoy who God made me to be.

Inspirational Writers

Geneen Roth - I have always been comfortable with my weight. I have pretty much always been exactly as I am. I have been progressively and intensively working on my diet, eating healthier every step of the way for over 15 years. I have adjusted my exercise routine, even up to 5 days a week, 90 + minutes, added weight training and a personal trainer and have never seen results. But Geneen Roth, in writing about the emotional and spiritual side of eating, has made a breakthrough. Not that its changed my appearance, but I feel completely free of control food has over me. I don't need it or want it as a friend, and the attachment to my emotions has honestly been broken. It feels so amazing to just enjoy food without shame, regret, or compulsion. And to most importantly just feel happy and healthy and to know that I am beautiful. If you struggle at all with food, your self image, or if something perhaps happened to you in the past that you may still hold onto, even subconsciously, please do read "Women, Food and God" because its not really about women, food or God, and yet it is, and it will change your life.

David Sedaris - I just can't seem to read his books fast enough! I love his style, and humor, and sensitivity, his honesty and perspective. It reminds me of myself, which nudges me toward sitting down and writing things out when they happen. So expect more of that! And hope life happens enough around me to give me some good practice material.

Jay Bakker -  I don't feel I ever realized how simple grace is. My name means "full of grace" and I feel like my life mission is to learn and exhibit true grace. But I always feel like I need a special clause at the end of it because people are so unused to being loved, complimented, accepted, helped, unconditionally with no strings attached. Just love people! Just forgive people. Just go do the things God asks you to do. Its so easy it feels almost wrong. I'm almost done reading the book and I have this desire to just go out and put it to practice. Not for any kind of benefit, just to spread a little more kindness to the world and to react better when its not received well. There was just that little bit of selfishness, that tiny bit of me left under it all. To be liked, to be appreciated, to be respected. To help others understand I'm not like normal Christians, and its ok to not fit in. Because there is room for all of us. Because God's love is that big and that real. Read "Fall to Grace". Really understand it. Because its not about who we should accept into the fold or what horrible things we have done or who you voted for in the last election. Its about us loving people and truly understanding just how much God loves us, period.

So I've been reading a lot, thinking even more, and trying to put these ideas into practice. But mostly I have just been excited about this new season in my life, where I can just be free and easy not bear the weight of it all anymore.

No Sharks in the Deep End

I take an extraordinarily long time to wade myself into a pool, a friendship, a new environment. I need to know everything I can about a subject before I jump in. So with a stack of maps, menus for highly rated vegan friendly restaurants, and a variety of activities including cheap/free days and coupons, we were on our way. I drove for about an hour approaching LA and managed to yield onto 3 incorrect freeways, map in hand and GPS yelling "Rerouting!" at me. From now on Mike drives unless I am familiar with the road and driving mentality. We also found ourselves walking up hills in the dark looking for a nearby restaurant that would allow a teenager entrance on St Patricks Day. And my teenager gave me the best advice: "When you are walking up a hill toward darkness and on the verge of tears, turn around and walk back towards the bright flashing lights and the sound of people." But this is a foreign concept to me, the girl who hid behind my mom's prairie skirt, my friendly and beautiful sister, my excitable and engaging husband. Too often people go to hug me and say "Oh, sorry, you don't like hugs!" and step back. I don't know where that comes from. I don't initiate hugs and I don't feel any lack of friendship without one, but I don't dislike them. My dad always told me that to have friends I have to be friendly. And apparently being friendly is more than simply smiling instead of sitting in the dark with my arms folded. So I decided that instead of using our vacation to run and hide, kidnap the social people in my family and get them all to myself for an entire week. I did get time with them, but we got to visit a few friends along the way. And those visits were the highlight of our trip. I feel like I'm waist deep in water now, at the point where maybe I won't think so much about things and can just jump in and enjoy life and relationships around me. Or maybe I'm still sitting on the first step waiting for Mike and Autumn to realize its been a half an hour and I'm still not in the pool and pull me in.

Hannah's Guide to Style

Walking into Fashion Square mall in my ugly mom comfy outfit brought back all the Tim Gunn's Guide to Style advice about throwing out your sweat outfits and wearing a beautiful summer dress to go to the grocery store. I always laughed because the sweatpants on the show were expensive and name brand and because I'm even more pathetic in that I wear my pajamas most every day and sometimes to the grocery store. I used to subscribe to the Flylady blog and her advice is to get up, get dressed, put on make up, do your hair, even if you are planning on staying home all day with the baby, and just in case someone comes to the door. So yah, I remember that when I answer the door for a client in my bathrobe because they are early and Mike's still in the shower. Its hard to balance an at home business, being a homebody, and a rather lazy sense of style. Why not get into the mind set of being dressed up to go dreaming every day? Its not backward thinking to wear a party dress and pearls while cleaning the toilet. Its fabulous! Or at least if I push myself in that direction the worst that would happen is I would feel better about myself, more confidant, reflect a better image to our customers, not embarrass the postal workers, and I'll be more at the ready for adventure. Step one was getting out of the house more and enjoying life with my husband instead of hanging out at home catching up on Days of Our Lives and laundry. And I've had an amazing month! Step 2 is presenting myself in a new way, changing from the outside in. So my baby step of the day was to get rid of everything that doesn't fit me. If I ever lose this "last 5 pounds" I will celebrate by buying a whole new wardrobe instead of wearing things 5 years out of fashion.

Magical Powers

My magical power is that I can locate just about anything when asked. I just see a picture of it in my mind. Most likely because I saw it there and was too lazy to pick it up at some point, but sometimes I amaze myself. I've been reading another one of Geneen Roth's books about healing, working through grief and being strong in the broken places. I'm excited that I have always done this, grieve when I realize something in my life has been amiss. I'm happy that through this process I have slowly altered my way of thinking and my life. It is amazing to me the way life and the mind/soul body works, that you become whole over the course of your life even if you do not realize the change going on inside of you because it is built slowly over time. And when you realize what has happened it seems almost magical.

Things I didn't do one upon a time

My daughter is struggling with her friends being dishonest and experimenting with life, love and drugs, while championing freedom of thought, religion and sexual identity. She seems to be far more emotional than I was about it. I am finding it difficult to guide her through this because I was drawn to the misfits and found them and their choices intriguing. I am a very patient person and I observe before I jump into things. I didn't rebel or live a sheltered life in the least. But I didn't reveal my heart or give up my soul, or give into anything until I was ready to envelope myself in it and accepted any consequences. As a teenager I was told so often not to have sex, drink, do drugs, and all the reasons not to and I was devastated to find out that not only do most people do and enjoy it all but that its pretty much acceptable as a right of passage. And that "virgin rock" I still have just seems so ridiculous in retrospect. So is shoving all that guilt down the throats of responsible, good kids actually counter-productive? Because it just seems the consequences were not as harsh as I envisioned and the reality of the world we lived in was far more devastating to me than I anything I could have put myself through. It seems the whole point of Christ is grace and forgiveness so if you never do anything wrong how can you fully understand it. So we have unconditional love down. Perhaps its the forgiveness we need to now work on. Forgiveness of myself for not living so much as watching. Forgiveness for friends distanced or lost because I wasn't ready to face reality. Forgiveness for the adults who let me down or judged me too harshly or who I simply feel embarrassed for revealing too much of what was in my heart. And the ability to give better advice based on my getting it partially right growing up. Maybe me thinking too much, Mike acting too much and Autumn loving too much will somehow bind together into some unstoppable force of awesome.

The way out is through

Pondering our situation and asking for clarity as I sat at a red light amidst the construction, mountains of dirt and backup of traffic, my eyes wandered to the underpass just to my right. Of course I have known it was being built for months but I had never seen it from this perspective. It was like discovering an underground lost city or Atlantis, a perfectly constructed passageway amidst all the rubble and traffic jams in my every day life. In about a month there will be no more waiting at this light. There will be a free and easy way through; in fact within a year an entire freeway will be finished, cutting my time to town in half. I will have more freedom and opportunity and my social life will be broadened just cutting down on travel time. And it has been built in the dark, while I sleep, by hundreds of workers I have never even seen.

God is working the same way in my life. I may not see it because I'm so worried about the problems and setbacks we are encountering, working out the tangles slowly but surely, and just waiting, frustrated, wanting a way around all this mess.  But He is making a way for us to get to our destination. Giving us more freedom, orchestrating relationships yet to be and opportunities yet to discover. And now that I have caught a glimpse of it I have begun to dream of a fun and fabulous new year.

De-cluttering the mind

I hate quitting more than I hate the fear of the unknown. I feel we are floating in a fog, unsure of even where we are or whether there is an amazing tropical oasis or a giant scary monster lurking just beyond our reach, or just miles and miles of the cold, dark ocean. For weeks the only answer to my prayers for direction are to focus on my family and cleaning the house. Just as I'm finding things around the house to sell, re-purpose, donate, and Mike is following leads he has been too busy to pursue. He seems to be extremely distracted and not present when we are in this situation while I am too heavy into it alone. We finally had a breakthrough last night, just settling into being present together in our reality. And we started today with me finding that Quickbooks is free after a rebate which we've been needing for ages and Mike is going to do trade work for our gym membership. Our house feels beautiful and new just not being so cluttered. I know our busiest season is just around the corner, but that also everyone is struggling and the best we can do to survive is to just keep doing what we feel we ought to be doing and to not be afraid. And to take this time of floating in a boat to enjoy each other. Because I can't imagine being here alone.

Upside Down Day

Just trying to think of everything irritating, painful, stressful and loud today as joyous and wonderful, but I can't even hear myself think. So instead I shall block out distraction, pack boxes in perfect zen and take a long hot shower.

Loving Change

I miss Livejournal. I feel suffocated when I can't write a full paragraph. So at this time when I feel just a little lost I'm going to try to find my way back, one little step at a time by sharing just a little more. My descent into veganism began with a suggestion I cut down on meat. A baby step at a time for 8 years and I can't imagine my life now without brussels sprouts, tofu, indian food and a world of flavors and textures. That is how I want to live: intentionally steering myself toward a better life. Removing distractions and things I thought I couldn't live without, just one at a time.  And crawling slowly out of this cave I've built for myself. One little word, thought, step and decision at a time. Because its those little things that make such a great impact.