Being Alone

Mike is such a loud personality and our business is pretty much our entire life. I love this about him, and it has meant a successful at home business. We are a great team and have quite alot to discuss at all times. We still find our own personal life and everything really does balance out quite well if I manage our calendar. But when he goes on events there is about a month where he is working 24/7 and I get lost in the madness. The first couple of years of MINI events I was excited to go as a family. Autumn was homeschooled and the trips were an educational adventure. Only I had forgotten Mike actually had to work harder than usual and it wasn't the family fun time I had envisioned, since I was the last thing on his mind. Even helping him and remaining focused on the job didn't make things better for either of us since he's so single minded, I was still forgotten. So I decided it would be best for him to just go, enjoy the time, and I would stay home. That was a difficult transition because I wanted the adventure, I was hurt he seriously ignores me when out in public, and I had issues being alone. The first few times he left I think I cried hysterically the entire time. He did a couple dumb things that when added to my deep insecurities increased my turmoil, and it was rather difficult for our marriage. But we worked through things and over time it has gotten so much easier. I know to leave the house once a day and stock up on movies for when the child ditches me as well. I also worked through my insecurites about being alone when I read "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. The book takes you through a journey into your subconscious where you experience whatever it is that you use eating or other distractions to keep yourself from feeling. I was able to feel the raw emotion of something from my childhood and found that grieving helped me heal and to rejoin life at the present time. I can honestly say something clicked in me that I no longer have to avoid being alone. I can now sit in bed in the darkness and feel at peace. This was the first event since my breakthrough and I didn't fall apart. I didn't cry at all, in fact. I was a normal human being, secure in myself, my family and my world, and it felt amazing. And while I missed my husband, I much more enjoyed anticipating his return and happily being together again when he can/could focus on me. I'm looking forward to the future when perhaps I can turn it into a personal retreat and rest in the peacefulness of an empty home. When I can indulge myself by enjoying who I am and my own interests and just truly enjoy who God made me to be.