Things I didn't do one upon a time

My daughter is struggling with her friends being dishonest and experimenting with life, love and drugs, while championing freedom of thought, religion and sexual identity. She seems to be far more emotional than I was about it. I am finding it difficult to guide her through this because I was drawn to the misfits and found them and their choices intriguing. I am a very patient person and I observe before I jump into things. I didn't rebel or live a sheltered life in the least. But I didn't reveal my heart or give up my soul, or give into anything until I was ready to envelope myself in it and accepted any consequences. As a teenager I was told so often not to have sex, drink, do drugs, and all the reasons not to and I was devastated to find out that not only do most people do and enjoy it all but that its pretty much acceptable as a right of passage. And that "virgin rock" I still have just seems so ridiculous in retrospect. So is shoving all that guilt down the throats of responsible, good kids actually counter-productive? Because it just seems the consequences were not as harsh as I envisioned and the reality of the world we lived in was far more devastating to me than I anything I could have put myself through. It seems the whole point of Christ is grace and forgiveness so if you never do anything wrong how can you fully understand it. So we have unconditional love down. Perhaps its the forgiveness we need to now work on. Forgiveness of myself for not living so much as watching. Forgiveness for friends distanced or lost because I wasn't ready to face reality. Forgiveness for the adults who let me down or judged me too harshly or who I simply feel embarrassed for revealing too much of what was in my heart. And the ability to give better advice based on my getting it partially right growing up. Maybe me thinking too much, Mike acting too much and Autumn loving too much will somehow bind together into some unstoppable force of awesome.

The way out is through

Pondering our situation and asking for clarity as I sat at a red light amidst the construction, mountains of dirt and backup of traffic, my eyes wandered to the underpass just to my right. Of course I have known it was being built for months but I had never seen it from this perspective. It was like discovering an underground lost city or Atlantis, a perfectly constructed passageway amidst all the rubble and traffic jams in my every day life. In about a month there will be no more waiting at this light. There will be a free and easy way through; in fact within a year an entire freeway will be finished, cutting my time to town in half. I will have more freedom and opportunity and my social life will be broadened just cutting down on travel time. And it has been built in the dark, while I sleep, by hundreds of workers I have never even seen.

God is working the same way in my life. I may not see it because I'm so worried about the problems and setbacks we are encountering, working out the tangles slowly but surely, and just waiting, frustrated, wanting a way around all this mess.  But He is making a way for us to get to our destination. Giving us more freedom, orchestrating relationships yet to be and opportunities yet to discover. And now that I have caught a glimpse of it I have begun to dream of a fun and fabulous new year.

De-cluttering the mind

I hate quitting more than I hate the fear of the unknown. I feel we are floating in a fog, unsure of even where we are or whether there is an amazing tropical oasis or a giant scary monster lurking just beyond our reach, or just miles and miles of the cold, dark ocean. For weeks the only answer to my prayers for direction are to focus on my family and cleaning the house. Just as I'm finding things around the house to sell, re-purpose, donate, and Mike is following leads he has been too busy to pursue. He seems to be extremely distracted and not present when we are in this situation while I am too heavy into it alone. We finally had a breakthrough last night, just settling into being present together in our reality. And we started today with me finding that Quickbooks is free after a rebate which we've been needing for ages and Mike is going to do trade work for our gym membership. Our house feels beautiful and new just not being so cluttered. I know our busiest season is just around the corner, but that also everyone is struggling and the best we can do to survive is to just keep doing what we feel we ought to be doing and to not be afraid. And to take this time of floating in a boat to enjoy each other. Because I can't imagine being here alone.

Upside Down Day

Just trying to think of everything irritating, painful, stressful and loud today as joyous and wonderful, but I can't even hear myself think. So instead I shall block out distraction, pack boxes in perfect zen and take a long hot shower.

Loving Change

I miss Livejournal. I feel suffocated when I can't write a full paragraph. So at this time when I feel just a little lost I'm going to try to find my way back, one little step at a time by sharing just a little more. My descent into veganism began with a suggestion I cut down on meat. A baby step at a time for 8 years and I can't imagine my life now without brussels sprouts, tofu, indian food and a world of flavors and textures. That is how I want to live: intentionally steering myself toward a better life. Removing distractions and things I thought I couldn't live without, just one at a time.  And crawling slowly out of this cave I've built for myself. One little word, thought, step and decision at a time. Because its those little things that make such a great impact.