Stress, vulnerability, and the promise that next year will be awesome

I'm not sure what to say, what explanation is really needed, what judgements and opinions to allow others to have. But I am sure that I'm just doing my best to make it through the day 5 minutes at a time, to tackle work in a limited amount today, to work through my emotions one excruciating conversation at a time, and to get to sleep even though I want the moments of silence and peace to linger and I'm not ready for the new set of problems I may face the next day. What happened? Our business is to the point where we need a full shop and 15 employees and yet Mike and I have been keeping up with it by ourselves. We hired a couple employees thinking it would help but ended up paying them instead of our bills for 2 months. I cope with stress by hiding and eating. Mike copes through excessive social interaction and distraction. So we have been very distant and vulnerable, so even though in most households it really isn't that big of a deal, we were shocked rather harshly into the reality of how far choices, distance, stress had really taken us from each other. Its hard to wrap my head around the gradual decline in our relationship and the aggressive attack life and circumstances we got ourselves into attempted to destroy us. In every way. I'm furious. I'm embarrassed. I'm relieved that during this time I was working on becoming a stronger person myself and surrounding myself with friends and things that make me feel whole. I'm hopeful that this is it. The lines of , if you do this you will lose me, have been drawn far closer. But that it really the deeper relationship we are seeking. To turn to each other and God and to not allow the pressure to build overtake us. To know that we can face anything and we are committed to doing everything to keep this from happening again. So I'm living in the promise of a healthier, stronger relationship, and we are taking baby steps toward it. And we may have some big changes in store for our business as we weigh our options.

Dreaming

On a recent shopping excursion to Sprouts I watched a young hipster couple meander through the aisles. Tiny shorts and tank top, handlebar mustache, snazzy hat, and the girl wearing a beautiful flowing dress, they had put thought and effort into their date to pick out their dinner. They lovingly fondled the vegetables, discussing what they would make, hugging each other after each decision. As older men bashed their carts into mine, moms yelled at their kids, and I tried to keep stay on task knowing any moment Autumn would text saying I need to pick her up immediately. When did our lives change so drastically? Mike and I used to spend our time working, sleeping, thrift store shopping and going to concerts. Even with a baby. It was so fun and freeing to live life the way we always dreamed it could be. But our lives are so cluttered now. There is less time, more demands. Less money, more expenses. And a different kind of freedom. I see it as a freedom to go back to the uncomplicated life. To not feel so trapped by what we have built for ourselves. By erasing some of the clutter, making the decisions to uncomplicate things, relax into the flow of life and then to dress up to go dreaming together.

Strike that, reverse it!

I was reading a blog today about how to wake up and go where the day takes you. I thought I was doing a good thing by scheduling myself to death. I was working hard and fast and finished a crazy amount of work just in time, enjoying social outings and even carving time out to recover. But after a break down yesterday, I don't even think that is the best way to handle life, because my calender seems to fill rather quickly.. I still make big mistakes like getting an important date wrong for a friend's concert I bought tickets to, and by saying yes to one favor which turns into another and another by someone taking advantage of me, which ends up with me driving 15 minutes to the post office in 110 degree heat to send someone something they now have gotten free. So I think I'm going to scrap that and start over. Saying no sometimes means saying yes to myself instead. I'm going to wake up when I am rested, accomplish a reasonable amount of work for the day, and see where the day takes me otherwise, by listening to what I really need.  Like right now, in a closed and darkened office in my pj's, feeling accomplished and just about ready for a swim.

Embracing Organization

My body shut down on me for the first time in my life. In the middle of a happy ukelele sing along my brain gave up and I crawled toward the couch to sleep. I am overwhelmed with the amount of activity summer brought us this year. While most the world is a flurry of happiness, charged up by social engagements, I tried to keep up. I tried to grab onto life and it threw me down. I'm now picking myself up to try again, only this time I have my calendar clutched in one hand, clearly defining time I am physically capable of smiles. Knowing that while it lasted, a fabulous time was had. And now counterbalanced with a few hours last night on the couch I am ready to enjoy "life" again.

Mother's Day

How does one celebrate a wife, a mother? Every year I insist I don't want flowers, diamonds, manicures, and the worst,  a $12 greeting card. But then every year, knowing this, the husband gets increasingly upset until he is mean to me on the special day.  Sad that he cannot dream to pay me back for all I do throughout the year. Frustrated that it isn't in him to create a loving sentiment that fits my criteria. Angry that the corporations make so much money on this day where we honor something that ought to be a natural part of life. It is a setup for disappointment, to be honest. For the person to whom it comes so naturally to be nurturing, loving, thoughtful and generous to rely on the more selfish natures to draw it up within themselves in some kind of grand gesture. Just saying "I love you" or "Thank you" or helping out with chores or a hug while doing dishes... all of these add up for me throughout the year. I do feel loved and appreciated, always. I don't need a special day except as an occasion to eat cake. My gift is the miracle itself of motherhood. Sharing my beautiful, intelligent, talented and amazing daughter with the world. And to my wonderful husband, I know you, I love you, and I am honored to spend every day with you. There is never a need to feel inadequate, because there is so much more to you than meets the eye. Just continue to call me home, that is all I will ever need. "Oh, what strange wonderful clocks women are. They nest in Time. They make the flesh that hold fast and binds eternity. They live inside the gift, know power, accept and need not mention it. Why speak of Time when you are Time, and shape the universal moments, as they pass, into warmth and action? How men envy and often hate these warm clocks, these wives, who know they will live forever. So what do we do? We men turn terribly mean, because we can't hold to the world, or ourselves, or anything..." (Something Wicked This Way Comes, Ray Bradbury. Beautiful book, BTW.)

Smile

On the verge of hyperventilating, I sat down at a table with my daughter's friend's family and said "I'm sorry, I get very overwhelmed at the awkwardness of social occasions". The mom was surprised, being that our daughters were being inducted into the National Thespian Society. We spent the rest of time smiling at each other, attempting small talk, and delighting in the entertainment of the madness surrounding us. Every child was dressed up, every entree was showcased in a decorated booth. I love events! I love the creativity, games, and fun and the interesting food. I helped create the award winning table "Panda" Asian Table and I'm going to have such fun collecting costumes for Autumn for the next few years. And I was so very proud of Autumn. She was asked to lead a troupe next year which will emphasize awareness, such as suicide prevention, harmful choices, and celebrating culture and people groups. She received a "will" from the graduating President, as an honor for her bubbly personality and a request to fill her shoes. Yet just a month ago she was depressed that she felt she had something to contribute to the world but did not understand what it was. She was tired from all her hard work and was giving up on friendships. Its amazing to me how the winter season so drastically changes and you realize all your potential, the friendships blossoming around you, and the spring of life and opportunities just around the corner. This week she had a friend hospitalized after attempting suicide and Mike's MINI buddy took his own life. You just feel so selfish, and self centered that you couldn't extend yourself, your life and happiness. That you were so tired and your well had run dry that you couldn't help someone hurting even worse. That you couldn't offer just enough hope to limp them around the corner. I pray that even in the dark seasons, the socially awkward times, and when it feels almost unnatural, that I will radiate hope and love. That I will find a peace in God that will extend to those I love just being around them. And that I will see more opportunities to be kind or helpful, or simply to smile.

Being Alone

Mike is such a loud personality and our business is pretty much our entire life. I love this about him, and it has meant a successful at home business. We are a great team and have quite alot to discuss at all times. We still find our own personal life and everything really does balance out quite well if I manage our calendar. But when he goes on events there is about a month where he is working 24/7 and I get lost in the madness. The first couple of years of MINI events I was excited to go as a family. Autumn was homeschooled and the trips were an educational adventure. Only I had forgotten Mike actually had to work harder than usual and it wasn't the family fun time I had envisioned, since I was the last thing on his mind. Even helping him and remaining focused on the job didn't make things better for either of us since he's so single minded, I was still forgotten. So I decided it would be best for him to just go, enjoy the time, and I would stay home. That was a difficult transition because I wanted the adventure, I was hurt he seriously ignores me when out in public, and I had issues being alone. The first few times he left I think I cried hysterically the entire time. He did a couple dumb things that when added to my deep insecurities increased my turmoil, and it was rather difficult for our marriage. But we worked through things and over time it has gotten so much easier. I know to leave the house once a day and stock up on movies for when the child ditches me as well. I also worked through my insecurites about being alone when I read "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. The book takes you through a journey into your subconscious where you experience whatever it is that you use eating or other distractions to keep yourself from feeling. I was able to feel the raw emotion of something from my childhood and found that grieving helped me heal and to rejoin life at the present time. I can honestly say something clicked in me that I no longer have to avoid being alone. I can now sit in bed in the darkness and feel at peace. This was the first event since my breakthrough and I didn't fall apart. I didn't cry at all, in fact. I was a normal human being, secure in myself, my family and my world, and it felt amazing. And while I missed my husband, I much more enjoyed anticipating his return and happily being together again when he can/could focus on me. I'm looking forward to the future when perhaps I can turn it into a personal retreat and rest in the peacefulness of an empty home. When I can indulge myself by enjoying who I am and my own interests and just truly enjoy who God made me to be.